Intro: Entry #3 of Sanjana’s story.
Yet again, she was consumed by her misery. That’s when she journaled, she bet her diary despised her. Or thought of her as a very sad person all the time.
Oh well, all the most beautiful work from the most creative artists were all of pain. Who wants to write about happy times right? Those are meant to enjoy in the moment, they last for a moment, pain stays for more than that.
Today morning, she found herself staring into a mirror, lost in her thoughts- halfway through brushing her teeth. What was she pensive about today? She heard her mind questioning itself. Now what are you bothered about? She was so tired of her own mind’s self destructive ways… And despite her rational mind constantly reassuring herself, she couldn’t hide what she felt. It is what it is.
She hated how the start of anything happy and new, would eventually come crashing down. She always hoped that infamous line “All good things come to an end” was just another sadistic quote that didn’t actually hold it’s weight. She missed the happier times in her life, she didn’t know what was missing- but something was. She realized she kept searching for the lost piece in the wrong places, from the wrong people.
She needed herself to be full and whole solo, something she constantly struggled with being able to do. She knew this would eradicate all the baggage associated with herself. But how? She could feel herself running out of options, out of things to try, out of ways to keep standing up.
Maybe that was it. Perhaps, she needed to be fully shut down, and fully broken to finally find a way to restart. It was a terrible predicament, she was simply just waiting for this day. She knew it would hurt more than anything before, she was afraid.
She just needed herself to stop bouncing back, the only way things would change is for this shutdown. She despised her nature. She was forgiving and constantly able to forget. She needed herself to stop hoping for the best, it just wasn’t working anymore.
“Come for me. I am ready to be broken”.
She spat out the foam from her toothpaste, wiped her mouth, then the tears off her cheeks. Plastered on an ingenuous smile, then headed out the door to start her day.