It’s currently 12:25 am, and I am sitting in bed with streams of mascara and tears running down my face.Yes, I didn’t wash my makeup off my face tonight, I am exhausted. And yes, I am crying but then again, what’s new.
This feels like Déjà vu. I am replaying my whole life in my head, unhappy about where I
currently, stand, terrified about where I am going to go next.
I am 24 years old, with savings at an amount I am too embarrassed to even type out to myself. I just quit my 3rd job in a row, because “it’s just not right for me”, and have recently decided to go to grad school- the only problem, I don’t know where to go, or what to do.
I moved to Vancouver 7 years ago from Bangkok for what my parents assured me would be a “better life”, but I always wonder if staying at home would have been a better bet.
Things are so much easier when you don’t have to worry about paying rent, cooking your meals, doing your laundry- I am aware these are first world problems, and perhaps I am lucky these are the kinds of ones I have to experience, but nonetheless, adulting sucks. The lack of stability, consistency, and certainty in my life right now makes me so anxious.
I wake up in sweats from yet another dream about how I’m going to end up a failure.
Disappoint my parents, end up depressed, not live up to the potential I know I have.
I haven’t had a stable place to live since I moved here. I relocate to a new place within the year. Any relationship I get into, I need to put up these armored walls because everyone keeps telling me that no boy is serious about a girl in their 20s. When you’re away from your family, your friends take that place, but you soon learn that they will come and go, change and grow apart.
Oh wait, there’s yet the worst part. Social media, need I say more? The constant
comparisons I put my poor mind through every day, is just unfair. How is she so pretty, how is he doing so well in his career, why do they get to travel all the time? Here’s the ironic part, I am a social media and PR strategist. Moreover, I am a blogger. I live for that perfect IG shot. However, I know how fake it is. I try my best to convey authenticity in my words- however, I am not afraid to admit that I too, get sucked into that vanity game.
What surprises me the most, is that when I reach out to my friends, and others around me at a similar age, I learn that I am not alone. I find out that Suzie is also thinking about getting on anti-anxiety meds, that Rachel has been on antidepressants for years. There is this odd comfort one gets in realizing he or she isn’t alone in their suffering, and when you begin to see that perhaps this is just an inevitable phase of life that everyone must go through, you find that strength to go on. You support one another, and you help each other get to those goals you want to get to.
There is this taboo the society we live in has, where feeling overwhelmed is looked upon as “weak” or “embarrassing”. I proud of the fact that I am human and can feel a whole range of emotions, and strong because I am able to them with anyone who doesn’t want to feel alone- no matter how “weak” that may make me look.
So yes, I miss the days I would cry about my difficult trigonometry assignment in high school, or about the fact that my grade 9 crush called me chubby. I mean, those problems were nothing compared to the ones I have to struggle through today.
However, perhaps when I’m in my thirties, managing my children and a full-time job will make me miss my 20s. And then when I’m unable to see properly in my 50s, I’ll miss my 30s.
It’s now 1 am, and I think I just pep talked myself into a better mood. I hope it made your night too.
You are not alone, you are not weak, we are going to rock life- warts and all.